Developing Empathy in Young Children

There's Always Room for You Under My Umbrella by Stephanie Fizer.

So in the child, besides the vital impulse to create himself, and to become perfect, there must yet another purpose, a duty to fulfill in harmony, something he has to do in the service of a united whole. ~ Montessori, The Absorbent Mind, pg 57.

Empathy is considered by many experts to be one of the greater measures of intelligence.  Personally, I think empathy is one of the most important personality traits to be encouraged and fostered in a child's development. 

Emotional Intelligence is considered "The New Smart". 

In this article by the International Montessori Council, "children can have a high I.Q. score, but may be unable to socialize in a group comfortably, play with others, understand others needs or communicate in a way that shares their feelings. In practical terms, E.Q. is the ability to read between the lines, to size up situations, to be intuitive. Author Daniel Goleman in his book "Emotional Intelligence" defined it as the self-control to rein in emotional impulses, the ability to read another's innermost feelings and to handle relationships smoothly. Goleman concludes that in every field, emotional intelligence matters twice as much as cognitive abilities like I.Q. or technical expertise. Emotionally intelligent people are good arbitrators, successful dealmakers, leaders, team players and employ better decision-making strategies using both their emotions and logic. They also have healthier relationships because of their ability to read emotions and respond appropriately. In a society obsessed with grades, standardized tests, and assessment charts, emotional intelligence cannot and should not be measured by conventional methods. E.Q. is evident in a child who has self-confidence, a high self esteem, displays kindness and empathy towards others and is other's centered. 'This is a child willing to help a friend in need, and a child who is respectful towards others' needs,' explains Linville, whose Montessori school embraces academics with life lessons."

Empathy, as outlined in Cultivating Pro-Social Behavior by Julie McDaniel, "is 'shared emotional responses which the child experiences on perceiving another's emotional reaction' (Feshbach, 1976). Feshbach's model encompasses both cognitive and affective facets as it contains three components, two cognitive and one affective. The first, at the most primitive level, is the ability to discriminate and label affective states of others. The second, reflecting a more advanced cognitive level, is the ability to assume the perspective and role of another person. The third component, affective, is emotional responsiveness: 'The observing child must be able to experience the negative or positive emotion that is being witnessed in order to be able to share that emotion' (Feshbach, 1976)."

Simply put, empathy is the ability to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes.  To feel for them, and to feel with them.  To share in someone else's feelings.  A recent study found that today's college students lack empathy.  To be more specific, this study was a follow-up to a study completed in 1979.  "Today's college students scored 40 percent lower on a measure of empathy than their elders did."

According to the study, "compared with college students of the late 1970s, current students are less likely to agree with statements such as 'I sometimes try to understand my friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective,' and "I often have tender, concerned feelings for people less fortunate than me.'

'Many people see the current group of college students - sometimes called 'Generation Me' - as one of the most self-centered, narcissistic, competitive, confident and individualistic in recent history,' said Konrath, who is also affiliated with the University of Rochester Department of Psychiatry. Konrath's colleague graduate student Edward O'Brien added, "It's not surprising that this growing emphasis on the self is accompanied by a corresponding devaluation of others."

This means that working to instill empathy in today's children is not just important, it is essential.

How to Teach Empathy

Montessori education teaches empathy through many different avenues.  First, empathy is gently and habitually modeled by the teacher or parent to the students, and by the teacher or parent to his/her peers, friends, and spouse.  The child observes this empathy, and absorbs it into their own behaviors.  Empathy demonstrated consistently by the teacher or parent in the classroom or the home defines the culture of the room, the way everyone "just is" towards one another, the way one is expected to treat others.

Secondly, lessons in manners, grace, and courtesy come in handy when instilling empathy in a child.

According to the NAMC (North American Montessori Center), "There is a natural need in every human being to find one’s place in the cosmos by finding fulfillment both inside and outside oneself. Montessori believed that it is the duty of every person to work toward and be part of something great which not only serves individual interests but those of all humanity. To understand this great relationship, children must be nurtured in the ways of grace, courtesy and service in order for it to flourish and grow throughout their lives.  Toddlers are very empathetic. They become concerned when hearing a baby cry and are quick to offer help and sympathy if someone is hurt or seems sad. They have a natural propensity to serve others. They are able to identify these emotions within themselves and are able to show an awareness of and compassion for others through this empathy."   

 The NAMC provides this list of exercises for Infants and Toddlers to assist in fostering empathy, grace, and courtesy.

Early Lessons in Grace and Courtesy

"Early lessons of grace and courtesy develop positive interpersonal skills that will serve children throughout their lives. Demonstrations of Practical Life activities involving Grace and Courtesy, as well as modeling this behavior, are designed to nurture a child’s natural qualities of Grace and Courtesy, and his inherent desire to contribute to the peaceful order of his environment. These lessons include, but are not limited to:

greeting someone

introducing oneself

shaking hands

receiving visitors

apologizing/excusing oneself

watching and observing others

waiting

taking turns
interrupting/asking for help

using a quiet voice

speaking in a polite tone

saying please and thank you

blowing one’s nose

coughing and sneezing

washing one’s hands

inviting and refusing a partner or playmate

respecting others and their space

walking around people and objects

sitting on and putting away a chair

walking in line

offering food

caring for works, books, and the environment

rolling a rug

carrying work or objects

being silent

being kind

making friends

These lessons are most often presented in the Practical Life curriculum, but as NAMC points out, "many of these lessons are not “shelf works”. Some are demonstrations, while others are simply behavior absorbed through the child’s careful observation of her world. Positive models of grace and courtesy provide the example and environment for the development of peaceful young citizens."

It is so rewarding when I get to see empathy in my own children.  Yesterday when we were at the beach, my son found a butterfly floating in the waves.  He scooped it up, and I held it in my hands so we could examine it.  I could see right away that it was no longer alive.  Its wings were shredded on the ends.  My son wasn't so sure- he thought that it might just need to rest.  He laid it out on the towel to dry off, and proceeded to provide it with everything he or other family members like when we don't feel well, which included a book to read (a small business card he found and folded into half), a cup of tea (our cup for scooping sand), and a snack (a little piece of seaweed).  Of course, eventually the reality set in that the butterfly wasn't on the mend, but I really enjoyed seeing my little boy play out his empathetic role, which in turn modeled it for his younger siblings.

Dressing Frames

Dressing Frames are an important part of the Practical Life Montessori Curriculum. They enable children to learn how to dress themselves, their dolls, and help others too! It gives them confidence and independence, and is a major step in potty training (When you gotta go, you need to be able to undo the button and zipper on your shorts quickly!).

That being said, I was excited about dressing frames. They just seemed like such a neat concept to me. I went ahead and purchased 3 dressing frames that were commercially made. And I demonstrated them to the children, put them on the shelf....and nothing happened. They weren't interested at all. Trying not to be a little disappointed, I waited a couple of weeks, and brought them out again. The kids still ignored them. No, actually my son drug one of them around by the laces like he was walking a dog. So, I tried to think of something to make them more interesting.

I came up with this idea. I took some clothes that we weren't in love with anymore, and I made my own dressing board. I took a large, finished, square piece of wood, and affixed homemade "dressing frames" to it using finishing nails. I made sure the fabric couldn't be pulled off by pulling on it myself for a while with some force. I actually sewed pieces of the clothes that I had cut apart- part of a shirt that snapped up (including the pocket that snaps closed), a portion of a skirt that used to button up the front, a zipper section from a sweatshirt. The kids like that these are REAL clothes that they are practicing on, instead of a unfamiliar dressing frame with plain fabric. They also enjoy that the board is large enough for both of them to work on it at once. One child can be zipping, while the other is snapping! The board I had handy to use for this project is heavy, so I usually leave it out so the children aren't trying to move it themselves. You can also lean it against the wall and allow the children to work on it vertically. I take the board away every so often, and cycle it back in later and it keeps their interest, like it is new again when it comes back out! This particular dressing board only has 3 skills on it-zipping, buttoning, and snapping. As they get a little older, I will make another one (or put on the flip side of this board) more skill levels such as laces, ties, and buckles.

If you don't want to spend the money purchasing new commercial dressing frames, this may be a good option for you. If you can't find any clothes to use at home, just make a run out to the nearest thrift shop and pick up some for just a few dollars! You may be able to use a staple gun to attach the clothes to the board, just make sure to tug on it yourself first to ensure it is attached on there securely, and run your hands over it to check and see if there are any sharp parts of the staples sticking out. If you use nails, be sure to use small enough nails where they won't poke through the back of the board, leaving sharp points to scratch and poke small hands. I recommend using a board with a finish on it so you won't worry about the possibility of splinters. I also chose to sew my pieces of fabric to a tougher piece of fabric first (like the type you find bookbags made out of) and nailed that to the board so that the nails wouldn't tear through the thinner material of the clothing. My 1940's Singer sewing machine was giving me fits that night, so you might notice the seams aren't straight, but I was just glad to get it working (it usually works like a charm, I guess it just felt tired that night!). So, that's it! A few months practice with dressing frames, and your child will be zipping, buttoning, lacing, and snapping their way to independent dressing!

Pouring Activities

Why, besides the fact that children love them, complete pouring activities? Well, as part of the practical life curriculum of Montessori, there are several purposeful reasons for pouring activties. First, it enhances their hand coordination. It takes a lot of patience and control to learn to pour into a container from another container, and at just the right speed so whatever they are pouring doesn't end up all over the place. Also, it prepares them for later on when they can pour their own juice for a snack. It teaches them how to clean up (inevitably there will be spills with this activity). And, it teaches them independence, the feeling they can "do it themselves". It is a great self-correcting activity-it either goes into where they want it to, or it doesn't. It is also very easy to complete this activity using items you already have at home.

You don't have to start your child off with water or any other liquid. Begin with things that are easier to clean up, such as rice, sand, popcorn kernals, cheerios, tiny beads, or small dried pasta or beans. Simply provide them two containers to pour the material from one to the other. This is very hands-on and can hold their interest for a surprisingly long time. As you present the activity, show them how to hold onto the container with two hands to give them more control as they learn to pour. Provide a method of cleaning up, it could be a sponge or cloth for water or other liquids, a dust pan and small brush for dry goods, or have them complete the activity on a tray so they can easily scoop up spills with their hands.

You can change this activity often to keep interest high. Just vary the material they are pouring, the containers they are pouring with, and add a funnel sometimes. As always, keep an eye on young children during this activity so they do not put small items used for pouring in their mouths. Simple, quick, easy, and so much fun!!

Practical Life Task: Food Preparation

Children love to help out in the kitchen. My kids are always excited when it is time to mix something, roll out dough, or blend something up. However, especially with young children, the kitchen can be a very dangerous place, and is not very accessible to their abilities. There are simple ways you can make them feel like they are a part of the action while still helping them to acquire valuable life skills.

From time to time I will be reviewing products that I use and love. Today is one of those days. While we know that you can't just give your child a steak knife and say "Have at it!", they still can learn the fine motor skills of cutting and chopping safely. This wooden fruit cutting set by Melissa & Doug is a great way to introduce the skill before letting them try out the real thing. The child must use coordination to learn to hold the rounded fruit pieces with one hand, while manipulating the (safe) wooden knife to "cut" open the fruit with the other.

What I love about this set besides that the colored fruit that doesn't seem to ever chip, the velcro is incredibly durable, and the little box it comes with is great for carrying around the fruit from place to place, is that it never seems to get boring. My children use this in so many ways. Sometimes they simply cut the fruit. Other times they practice serving skills by making "meals" for each other. We have even incorporated math skills and visual discrimination practice by discussing how many parts there are for each fruit, and by visually determining how the fruit sticks back together to have another go at cutting (some of the fruit only fits back together in a specific pattern). As a bonus, there is a great "fresh" fruit cutting sound made when the wooden knife slices through the velcro, separating out the pieces.

This is a popular activity at our house, and has been a great precursor to giving them a real knife to try it out in the kitchen. My son had no problems slicing up his banana for himself at breakfast the other morning thanks to his practice with this activity. If you are interested in buying this kit, you can see it here.

You don't have to purchase this product to give them slicing and cutting practice at home. Collect a few of the plastic, safe disposable knives or use a butter knife and give your child some homemade or store bought play dough to roll up and slice. Bananas are a great fruit to begin slicing practice with because they are so soft and easy to hold on to. Watermelon is another good fruit to begin with-give them a pie shaped slice and let them cut it into smaller triangles. Discuss the shapes of the fruit slices and see if they can develop their fine motor skills by trying to cut out shapes that you name. I'm always trying to get in those other curriculum areas, too!!! Now go eat some fruit!

Spooning Activities

I am starting off with a posting about spooning activities, because I think it is one of the easiest activities to prepare, and most people have all the supplies they need already in their home. I usually gather together several different kinds of spoons or scoops, two containers (or a container that is pre-divided into sections), and a tray. My children were using a melon baller and a small measuring cup in the photo. The tray is not an absolute requirement, but my children need the tray to remind themselves and each other where their own workspace is located. The tray also has a function use of keeping spilled rice, beans, etc. in one place! I use the small, colored cafeteria style trays that you can order from Oriental Trading. See the link HERE. There are many other activities that are better with a tray, so you can use them again and again!

Then just add some dried beans, rice, marbles, cereal, beads, etc. and allow the child to transfer the material from one container to the other! Even a one year old child can do this activity, but please supervise children 3 and under to ensure that they do not put anything that poses a choking hazard into their mouths. This activity is easily refreshed by simply changing the material that they are spooning, or the containers or spoons they are using.

This activity is always a hit with my kids, and it helps to develop their fine motor skills. This activity is part of the Practical Life Montessori Curriculum for Early Childhood.